I’m remembering, his smell, his touch, his breath. I was only a kid… It’s all coming back way to hard and way to fast.
I felt like I wanted to talk about my nightmares this evening. As bedtime nears I think about it a lot. Bedtime has always been hard for us. There was even a time when I fought going to bed, before I got meds to help with it, to fall asleep. I would do whatever it took to stay up until I finally past out from two or three days on the go. My past haunts my sleep. There are times when I can go for months and nothing at all. Then something triggers the nightmares to start up again. I have different kinds of nightmares, some are re-occuring and others are new. Most often they are being about being held down and not being able to get away. I am frozen and can’t walk or run or scream in these nightmares. For some reason in a lot of them I am not young I am me but I feel very small and childlike. There are times when I am little but not that often. The worse part is waking up and remembering everything and it just sets the day off to be bad. It can take the whole day sometimes to shake the feelings of the nightmares. I really hate those ones the most. Then there are the ones when you wake up screaming in terror and fear and can’t move. It can take us quite awhile to realize that it was only a dream and that it is not really happening. Since I live alone this can be quite scary cause I never had the feeling like I could go to my parents room for safe keeping. There was no safe place as a child. I remember loving going to school because it was my chance to just get away from it all. I loved school and found my safe in many teachers over the years. I hate looking back and seeing myself as a person on the search for love and safety. These nightmares take the safe out of my life on a regular basis. There is a gift in all this. I have had to create a safe place. This place has become so beautiful over the years as it has developed. Our safe place is a garden. In this garden it is filled with daisies and frogs and turtles. Lots of trees and most are weeping willows. There is a stream of water running through and the Little’s have the most awesome tree swings. There are 2 of them because that way we can bring someone along if we don’t want to be alone. There is beautiful music playing, with pianos and guitars. There are fairies there too and pretty benches to sit and just read if need be, or to sit and chat with someone. You can smell all the pretty flowers and the scent of vanilla, all the clouds are so white as snow and you can climb up on them and ride through the sky for a nice nap. This place is so safe that we can even close our eyes and feel safe. Cause no one can come here without our permission. There is also a tree house that is decorated so pretty, even with pink little curtains and tree stumps to sit on. It is very cool in there trust me. There are dolls and teddy bears all around and a tea set too. There is also a treasure chest that is filled with magic wands and fancy dress up clothes. In there we also have a huge toy box and it is filled with trucks and cars, and transformers, coloring books, and pirate costumes. Down under the tree house floor there is a huge sandbox and we love going there to build the most biggest beautiful castles. Bethie loves it here most of all because dragons come and play, but they are not like regular dragons, these ones breath sparkles. They come to see the castles and take us for rides, it is so much fun here. We get water from the clean stream to build water around the castle walls. There is also a bake shop here where you can go and make cookies, muffins, cakes and more. Then all the colors of the rainbow in decorations. The place is always filled with balloons and cool dance music. When you come here you can bake, decorate, dance, and smile. It is a place that leaves us feeling good inside, safe inside. A chance to get away from the yuckies. There are never any yuckies here, we love this place. Thanks for stopping by and visiting our place though words, glad you could be apart of it. With every kind wish, Valynn and the Original Kido Bunch  A video I made awhile back that I wanted to share. Day 23 is A letter to someone, anyone! I am taking this title literally, Writing to no one I know, just to that someone, anyone who reads and listens. Dear Someone/Anyone, Have you ever felt so alone in the middle of a crowd?, That you were screaming and yet only silence was heard?, That even with your best efforts you come up short? I have, I am there now. Even when my rational mind knows that people love and care for me, I am embarrassed to admit that I feel so isolated and alone. Everyone in my life is trying so hard to be there for me and yet, as my core belief whispers to me daily..."It's never enough..." I feel like I don't deserve those who care for me and love me so. I also secretly, quietly, at night alone, hope that they would just disappear and then I could just end it all, knowing that no one will be affected from my exit from this planet I've called home for 33 years. This world, this life is way out of balance for me these days. More bad, evil, ugly, then good. My childhood was not one to make a scrap book of memories over. I sooner forget it. Not such an easy task. My past has it's hands around my neck and more times then not I can't breath. Simply opening up my mouth doesn't offer air to my screaming lungs. Rather I breath through my skin in the form of red tears. Each scar left when settled tells a story of torment, abuse, evil, and hate. Love is no where to be found in these times. Escaping from my mind happens when the white powder is forced up my nose or the intake of anything that detaches me from my body. A temporary fix that leaves me with the same horror I try to escape when I return and with nothing less then added self hatred. Another form of escape comes from an uncontrolled place when I sit in a frozen position. I travel to other times, places, and memories, through alters/dissociating. "We are one body, many souls." My name is Valynn, I suffer with addiction (145 days clean today.) I am tormented with an addiction to self harming. (I cut mostly.) I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse/rape. (As a result I live with DID ~Dissociative Identity Disorder.) If you or someone you know is suffering please know, you are not alone. I am the living proof that although we suffer many times alone, in silence, we truly are not by ourselves. Many, so many, can relate. That is why I feel it is so important to share your story, through words, song, art, pictures. Whatever outlet helps you breath in a positive way. So we can be heard not necessarily by others who don't understand but rather by those who do. So we can draw upon each others strengths to continue to survive. We were victims, we are survivors but together and only truly together can we become thrivers. The people we were meant to be. Our pain and suffering doesn't have to end in vein. We can use it, to become powerhouses to those who have not yet found their voice. I love you all, not because I know you, because I am you. Many have walked the same path. Let us join hands and hearts and help each other feel the love we all deserve as human beings first and foremost. Keep yourselves safe tonight and hold onto my hand knowing in this very moment of darkness, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALONE! In Love and Light, Valynn ~Safe Hugs~   Sorry To The Littles (Alters),
I hurt you again tonight and I am sorry, even though I know that doesn’t help. I don’t mean to hurt you. I just can’t breath, handle what happened to me. I can’t get the monsters off the body, out of the body, off the skin, out of the heart. I’m sorry you hurt too and that I am cause to that a lot these days. I feel so ashamed. ~Tearfully Regretful, Sarah  1) How old were you when you started self harming? 9 Years Old 2) How often do you self harm? I use to do it daily when I was younger, now it seems like I do it in binges. Like hardcore for 3-5 days, take a break and then back at it again. 3) What method of self harm do you use? Cutting mostly. 4) Do you think that you need professional help? I am getting it now and have been for awhile. 5) Are you trying to stop self harming? Yes, I am just scared that even if I want to, need to, that it is not enough and that I fear I am not ready. 6) Does anyone know about your self harm? Yes, my family all does, my friends all do, my therapist of course. However I started at age nine, as said above and it was almost 12 years before someone found out. 7) How many years have you been self harming? Whoa, until I did the math I had no idea. Self Harm = 24 years. 8) If you self harm, were you abused or neglected (either as a child or later in life)? Yes sexually abused for many years. 9) Would you label yourself as emo? Nope, not ever close. P.S. For all you uneducated people Emo doesn’t not = Cutter/Self Harmer and it goes the other way, Cutter/Self Harmer doen not= Emo. This addiction shows no race, creed, religion, lack of religon. It can and does affect anyone. 10) Do others label you as emo? AHA HA HA!! Not that I am aware of and if they do, it sounds like a personal problem they need help with, for being judgemental. And they say I have all the problems. Whatev! lol 11) Why did you start? To distract from the fact that my uncle was molesting me/raping me. Giving me something other then the abuse to think and feel about. 12) Where do you self harm? Wrists, arms, thighs. 13) What do you use to self harm yourself? Blades…and in my opinon this is one of the not so important questions around this addiction, Im just sayin’. 14) Do you think you can stop? Honestly, I am afraid to say it but no. I just think I will have times and periods in my life where I don’t do it and other times when I will keep falling back on it. But I am hopeful one day will be the last time. 15) Do you want to? Yes, when I am rational, and no when I am insane. To those of you who are hurting out there, remember there is hope, there is help: http://www.selfinjury.com/  SURVIVOR
A new anthem to salute adult survivors of child abuse She remembers her pajamas With pooh bear and padded feet That night she lost her innocence Between daddy’s cold, cold sheets These days she has her own child As she struggles to get by And though she fights to hide her secret Late at night her pillow cries Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart He remembers playing baseball 4 for 4 on opening day Mom missed out on all those seasons Stepdad never saw him play Today his own son won the big game While he was working out of town Somewhere between forgiveness And the love that let him down Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart Free us, Free us, Free us… Survivor, all the battles we’ve been through Survivor, it all comes down to me and you And though the storm is raging and the flesh be torn apart You’re a true Survivor of the heart | Beautiful HandfulThis blog is a personal expression of what I have been through, go through and hope for as victim to survivor to thriver.  ArchivesNovember 2012 CategoriesAll |
RSS Feed